🐰 The Legend of Delilah B.
In 2002, Kevin Goldberg bought a $10 rabbit. It cost us our dignity, our phone cords, and very nearly a human life. This is the legend of Delilah B.
🏠 A Questionable Beginning
The life of Delilah B. (short for Bunny) began in a cramped freshman dorm room at UGA, born from a series of questionable life choices made by my friend Kevin. One afternoon, Kevin walked in with a small, twitching ball of fur he’d bought for about the price of a sandwich. He named her Delilah B. because she looked like his cat, Delilah, back home, but the similarities ended there. Cats have dignity; Delilah had a digestive system that functioned like a “turd fire hose.”
🚫 Free-Range Anarchy
While most rational humans would buy a cage for a creature capable of such output, Kevin opted for a “free-range” strategy in Myers Hall.
“It’s about liberty, man,” Kevin would say, as the rabbit systematically chewed through a $150 textbook.
The liberty lasted exactly until Delilah decided that his roommate Reese’s pillow was the ideal location for a personal latrine. Reese, a man of simple needs and frighteningly direct solutions, did not take it well.
“Kevin,” Reese said, staring at the pillow with the cold eyes of a seasoned hunter. “If that thing does that again, I am going to f***ing eat it. I’m not joking.”
🏡 The Unwanted Gift
Facing a culinary crisis, Kevin did the only responsible thing: he dumped the rabbit on my mother. My mom, a woman whose heart is essentially a revolving door for stray animals, welcomed her with open arms.
“She just needs a yard and some love!” Mom insisted.
Delilah responded to this love by immediately chewing through the phone cords and evolving into a “ferociously virile” beast that bore no resemblance to the cute bunny from the pet shop. She took over the back porch and established a military dictatorship. She was no longer a pet; she was an apex predator in a fluffy coat.
⚠️ The Delilah Warning System
The porch became a “no-go zone.” If you stepped outside, you were greeted by the Delilah Warning System:
- The Stomp: A thundering thud of her hind leg that sent rabbit pellets flying like shrapnel.
- The Growl: A sound a rabbit should not be physically capable of making.
- The Charge: A sudden, tooth-first lunge aimed at your ankles.
⚔️ Survivor of the Great Raccoon Battle
Delilah was a survivor. She famously lost an eye in the Great Raccoon Battle of 2002.
Most rabbits would have died; Delilah just became a one-eyed pirate of the porch, her rage fueled by her lack of depth perception. She spent the next five years staring at the world through that one remaining eye, judging us for our weakness.
🐶 Allies and Adversaries
The only beings she tolerated were my mother, who provided the greens, and a pug named Benny. Benny wasn’t brave; he was just an idiot who had developed a “disturbing taste for bunny crap,” making him the only creature Delilah viewed as a useful subordinate.
🕰️ The End of an Era
In the end, it wasn’t the raccoons, the threat of Reese’s stew pot, or a wood-chipper that got her. Time finally caught up with the one-eyed terror. Delilah B. outlived most rabbits and passed away near 7-years-of-age, leaving behind a legacy of scarred ankles, frayed wires, and the honor of being the only eight-pound rabbit I have ever genuinely feared.